On Her Majestys Not So Secret Service

Skiing…cant believe the buildup to this post, seems like you are all waiting with baiting breath….

As most of you know skiing in Dalarna was a Christmas Present for me by Miss P, it was a really sweet thoughtful present and I am a great believer that presents should be thought about.

I was really excited at the prospect of seeing a new part of Sweden and of course having a go at skiing.

Miss P had booked us into the Green Hotel in Tällberg. This was a really nice village:

¨If you are visiting Sweden and the County of Dalecarlia, without visiting Tällberg, it’s like attending a wedding without meeting the bride.¨

Its quite a claim by the Tällberg website but its one I would agree with. All the houses and buildings are made from wood which really do give it a rustic character. I really felt I had arrived in Sweden. The snow was thick and blanketed the trees. Sweden indeed.

The hotel is situated high about Lake Siljan, offering great views and a real Dalarna welcome. All the staff were dressed in their local garb, apparently each village has their own specific dress.

The drive up was pretty dark so I didn’t get to see much other than the huge dalahäst or Dala Horse. I had never really noticed these before but apparently they are very Swedish and the gift given by the countrys leaders to foreign leaders. There are quite a few in the White House and no doubt President Obama will get one at some point. I even bought one myself which proudly sits on my office desk.

We were given a lovely room by the hotel with a fantastic view, shame it was so dark but still. We then headed out for dinner. We ended up in Rättvik, a sleepy town to me but quite a large town by Dalarna standards. We drove around to find somewhere nice and ended up selecting Restaurangen Anna, a very Swedish looking place. When we got in there it turned out to be a mainly Thai menu.  I had a running joke with Miss P on the way up -- I was counting how many pizzerias there were from Stockholm to Dalarna. It seems that every small village has a Thai Restaurant and a Pizzeria!

The next day we were up early and I have to admit I was starting to worry. It was like the time I booked the ‘full monty’ shooting package in Vegas, reading about shooting Desert Eagles and Uzi machine guns sounds fun until you have one in your hands, and even worse your friends have one in their hands as well! Yes skiing had seemed a jolly jape until now.  Why was I worried?

Simply the fact that a) I am petrified of heights and b) I am crap when not on my own two feet, silly I know but thats me. Ice skates, roller skates, skateboards I was never much good.

I never used to be scared of heights and was bit of a daredevil until one day at age 11  I fell from high above a tree and nearly became a sheesh kebab as my head fell in between two large spikes on a park fence under the tree. Ever since then, heights have terrified me and I mean terrified. That bloody tree is still there you know, twenty one years later, I swear one day I will take an axe to it!

I don’t think Miss P realised exactly how nervous I was. I can be snappy and short tempered at the best of times but I was really on form I can tell you!

Miss P booked us into Bjursås ski center and she had bought me a lesson and ski gear hire. I was starting to wonder if the present was more for her benefit as I knew I would make a fool of myself and give her something to laugh at.

I got my gear on and I had that Simon and Garfunkel ‘Slip Sliding Away’ song in my head as I was all over the place, my legs were going like a baby giraffe!

I had to meet the instructor at the Bamse sign, Miss P was chuckling at this. Great!  The instructor rocked up with the all too predictable Swedish name of Björn. He was also a Man Utd fan, it was the only thing he knew about Wales, Ryan Giggs. As it turned out Björn was ok for a Manc fan, he had a lot of patience which is just as well with me, thank fuck he wasn’t a Cardiff fan is all I can say!

There were a series of runs at Bjursås, I was amazed by how steep some of them seemed and marvelled at the skiers who gracefully sailed down the run, one of which was Miss P, a fine skier it must be said and about the only thing ‘Bondian’ about my trip, well he always had a beautiful girl with him on the slopes right?

I was heading for the Bamse slope -- yeah the kids one! I was still slipping all over the place, I found it really hard to walk on the skis.  It was really frustrating, just like learning to walk again, I was getting more and more angry with myself.  We then  had to practice falling and getting up, I was again like a baby giraffe, I couldnt get up and felt nauseous, I thought this was meant to be enjoyable!  In my defence I had a nasty bout of flu that week and even took time off work so I wasnt 100% but still!

I managed to do the lift ok, I wasn’t aware this was so tricky from watching others, but I managed to get up to the top and then slip, sliding away again. I was really starting to think I wouldn’t get the hang of it.  Bjorn showed me how to make a plough shape and to cut a long story short (Miss P has video footage, the cow!) I managed to make it down by myself.  We only had an hour and he wanted me to try a better course. If I wasn’t so frustrated it would have been funny seeing the little kids looking up at this 6ft ‘giant’ wondering what he was doing there. I swear Swedish kids are born with an ability to ski and skate. Seeing how some of them were I am not surprised many go on to be brilliant skiers.  It was wierd as I was watching my language, not easy for me yet they probably wouldn’t have known it was a swear word.

At this stage I was thinking to myself, I feel like shit, I am not enjoying this, I am grown man and should be able to walk away. Miss P, who was quite sympathetic though she had every right to piss herself laughing took me for a hot chocolate.

We then walked over to no 3, hmm I wasnt liking it. My fear of heights kicked in, my fear of my 100 kilo frame taking a young kid out, my fear of not being able to stop and go flying off. Miss P was coaxing me to do it, I was having a real debate in my head, in the end I bottled it, yeah I said nah aint doing it. God how I regret that now, I think had I been at the top of the slope I would have had a pop but seeing another learner fall off the lift 4 or 5 times didnt inspire my confidence. He also stormed off in a hissy fit when he negotiated the run as well. Poor Björn was his teacher, not having much luck that morning.

I suggested to Miss P she should enjoy herself and I would be ok for a bit as I felt it unfair to deny her some skiing hours.  Being the lovely woman she is she refused and we then went off to explore Dalarna.

I really did regret not trying that slope. Would I have a go again?  Yes I would like to, I think that will surprise Miss P actually but I would like to beat my fears.

I do have more photos, videos and thoughts on Dalarna I will post them soon.

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